Sometimes Twitter is just *chef’s kiss* magnificent. While no social media platform is perfect and some are downright godawful (here’s looking at you, Facebook!), I always return to Twitter for conversation, community, clarity, and hilarity.
I am so dedicated to Twitter, in fact, that I have a Google Drive folder full of screenshots of tweets that speak to me. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
Note: Under the screenshots, I’m going to re-type the text appearing in the tweet as well as text descriptions for any gifs or photos so they’re accessible to everyone.
@kat_armas: Them: be like Jesus Me: ok *drinks wine, calls people hypocrites, upsets men in power* Them: not like that Me: *shrug emoji*
So, I love this tweet for many reasons, not least of all because it paints Jesus as a rebel contrarian, which he was. If “Fight Me, Heathen” Jesus isn’t your favorite Jesus, what are you even doing with your life?
@socompliKATIEd: Phil Collins created that Tarzan soundtrack with the passion of someone whose parents were personally killed by a leopard
Yes! It has always been my assertion that Tarzan has the best soundtrack of any Disney film ever, and that still tracks. Frozen could never.
@Potatopolitics: Vikings worshipped crossdressing genderfluid gods, I am fairly sure they’d be fine with trans folks actually
The beauty of this tweet is the fact that it’s so many things at once: a call for trans rights and visibility, a history lesson, and a call-out on the ahistorical ignorance of the heteropatriarchy.
@internetanja DKNY: is a fashion label my brain: donkey kong new york
I am so glad I’m not the only person who’s said this in their head. Also, I have a tendency to read initialisms as actual words in my head so I’ve also read DKNY as dick-knee, which is something we should have access to. If I had dicks on my knees and could slap people with them when they’re rude in public, the game would be over. Game. Set. Match.
@CornOnTheGoblin: im a bitch / im a plumber it’s-a me / luigi’s brother
You have to be from a very specific micro-generation to appreciate the humor in this tweet. I am specifically talking about people who were school-age in the early-to-mid aughts, with at least one parent who owned an NES console as a child. Fun fact: my first exposure to the song referenced in this tweet was the critically-unappreciated-but-still-managed-to-get-a-remake banger of a movie, What Women Want, starring the goddess Helen Hunt and the human trash bag Mel Gibson.
@realemilyattack: I’m locked out of my dogs Facebook account that i created in 2010 and they won’t let me back in unless I send over a copy of his drivers license
This reminds me that I used to know a girl who had a Facebook account for her bedroom. Like, her actual bedroom. I’ve also friended people’s pets but in the end, it’s too much to deal with because they always die and I don’t think you can make a legacy account for a non-human.
@dannybarefoot: Gay culture is your English teacher being the only friend you keep up with from high school.
Why is this so painfully accurate? True story: when my high school girlfriend and I broke up (stop laughing, you swine!), we returned each others’ books using our English teacher as a go-between. Nothing says petty like telling your English teacher to tell your ex that you want your Capote back. Jesus Christ, how did no one realize I was gay?
@_RobertSchultz: millennials love picking a movie they watched once as a kid that has a 20% on Rotten Tomatoes and then making it their entire personality
Okay, first of all, I saw Batman & Robin way more than once and I’m fairly certain it has something like a 7% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I don’t understand the lack of appreciation for this cinematic masterpiece. People didn’t like the Schumacher Batman films because they were expecting them to be like the Burton (and later, the Nolan) Batman films, and that wasn’t Schumacher’s schtick. Those movies were *supposed* to be campy and overdone, and so what if they were a little too focused on the bat-nipples and bat-codpieces?! Chris O’Donnell is the reason a lot of comic book-loving little boys grew up to be raging homosexuals—it’s science.
@SHEsus_Christ: The fact that we blur women’s nipples but Ted Cruz’s face is still visible is blasphemous.
This one pretty much speaks for itself.
@BibliophlMarie: tfw you’re tidying your bookshelves & find that book you were thinking about buying.
Is this callout culture? This has happened to me so many times, but more often than not I don’t discover a book until I’ve already purchased it for the second time and then not until it’s way past the date by which it was returnable.
@VinMan17: i know ben shapiro is going to lose sleep over a gay black man doing a lap dance on satan and id like to say thank you lil nas for that
Y’all, people in the Evangelical Christian Right really lost their minds over that video. My question is: what did they expect? If you tell someone they’re a vile and irredeemable sinner enough times with enough vitriol, damning them to an inescapable hell, why do you get mad when they say they’re going to enjoy the trip?
Fun fact: did you know that Mara Wilson (of Matilda fame) and Ben Shapiro are maternal first cousins? Don’t worry, though; they don’t speak and she has him blocked on all the socials.
I really don’t like any of the right-wing blowhards, what with their demagoguery, proto-fascism, and intellectual dishonesty, but I really dislike Ben Shapiro. He’s an idiot’s version of a smart man—all bluster and no substance. Not to mention that whole Aryan master race thing he’s got going on with his face.
@billielurked: Quarantine has me living like a sim. It takes me six hours to cook spaghetti. If something is blocking my path i just cry
Ah, Sims. I *loved* that game. I was also a bit of a sociopath with it, though. Apologies for the armchair self-diagnosis, but what do you call it when someone makes a Sim-ulacrum (see what I did there?) of someone they know in real life just to sabotage them and ensure they fail in the world you’ve created? You deserved to flunk out of Sim College. You know who you are.
@danielleweisber: how do astronauts not cry all the time from being scared
I would also like to know the answer to this question. Being in space would be like the mega-souped-up version of when you’re a little kid and you’re staying away from home for the first time and it’s the middle of the night and you don’t want to be a little bitch and admit you want your mom so you sit in the bathroom with the lights on and wait for daybreak. There’s no one you can panic call in the middle of the night from space.
@bigestaban: RIP to the citizens of Pompeii, they would’ve love that song by Bastille
Would they have, though? Wouldn’t it be kind of like when Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring caused a riot when it first premiered at the Théâtre des Champs-Élysées in Paris? Would it have been so far outside the listeners’ experience that they couldn’t really appreciate its artistry? I think that’s a question worth asking.
This post was so much fun to write. If you enjoyed it, please let me know and I’ll make more of these in the future.
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